Must see TV! The ratings are in and it’s a sweep!

Well, the reviews are in and it looks like this newest season of “The Rise and Fall of Democracy” is shaping up to be must-see TV! With all of the economic sanctions, political posturing and civilian casualties you could ask for, we finally see the Putin character we have suspected all along of being focused on re-building the former Soviet Union!
With a 20 year run, “The US Occupies Afghanistan” was our go-to show when nothing else was on and we just needed to remind ourselves that despite who was in the Oval Office or what teams were in the Superbowl, we somehow felt comforted that our troops were still over there – making the world a safer place. Of course, when it was fresh and new, we couldn’t help but to be glued to our televisions. Back then, it was Bush leading the way after 9/11 and we all watched with anticipation of how we would end the threat of terrorism, rid the world of extremist ideologies and spread democracy across a new and welcoming middle east! The characters we loved at the beginning – like all good binge-worthy shows now – eventually gave way to the new ones and the show seemed to change over time. Once the main character, Osama bin Laden was killed off, we thought that might have been the end of the run and we would be looking forward to a new season in North Korea or maybe somewhere in North Africa to see our old friend Moammar Khadafi again. I have to say I think it kind of jumped the shark after we said goodbye to bin Laden because without the arch-nemesis, it just didn’t seem to have the same urgency. Even when – early in the second season – we saw Saddam Hussein get caught, we always knew that Osama was the star of the show.
We can go all the way back to the late 1970’s and early 1980’s to see the star power of Osama. When the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan and Osama was on better terms with the US, we saw a rare cooperation to protect democracy from the evil “Red Empire”! With help from us, we watched Osama and his band of merry men fight back against the Red Menace and make the world safe again for freedom-loving people! Or at least the threat of communism was once again pushed back into the frozen Siberian Tundra.
That was, until the relationship was strained and the show’s creators felt it would be better for ratings if Osama now had a grudge against the US and then introduced a new group to the show – the Taliban. With the Taliban coming into Afghanistan and getting rid of nearly every Western influence, like allowing women to go to school and have professions like being a doctor or professor, it was their relationship with Osama that led to a new alliance! Of course, the US moved on and found their way into new storylines and some of our favorite characters – Regan, Bush, Clinton, Bush the Younger all ignored what was happening until one of the most shocking plot twists of all time…a group of hijackers flying commercial jet planes into the World Trade Center in New York and other targets, including the Pentagon!
Now, it was Osama and the Taliban in the US’s cross-hairs and while we were undertaking the “War on Terror” season, why not add an episode to include Saddam Hussein’s capture and execution as well! This was the network’s bread and butter for many years until the ratings got so low, the network decided to pull the plug. After all, a new show called “Worldwide Pandemic” had made the leap to the top of the Nielsen Ratings and the producers knew they had to get creative to capture the public’s attention. With the wildly popular and polarizing character Donald Trump coming in for a short appearance after the 8 year run of Barack Obama, the Trump character was voted off the island and replaced with a previous supporting role-player – Joe Biden.
With Joe Biden, the possibilities were all there – finishing “Worldwide Pandemic”, bringing an end to “The US Occupies Afghanistan” and being the star of his own new series…”Russia – A New Beginning”, co-starring Vladimir Putin, who made appearances alongside Trump and occasionally was written into the storyline with Obama. But, ever since the “Big Breakup” of the Soviet Union during the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, the decades-long run of “The Cold War” had been over and no one really gave Russia much thought. After all, they were part of the democracy craze sweeping the world and Western influence and business dollars had been rapidly gaining ground in the “former” socialist country.
That all changed recently, though, a few weeks ago when the network made the surprise debut of “The Rise and Fall of Democracy” and it’s ratings couldn’t be higher! Everyone’s watching it and glued to their TV sets to see what happens next! Will Russia use chemical weapons? Will Putin choose a tactical nuclear weapon? Will a rocket accidentally land in Poland and force a NATO response? The world is on the edge of their seats waiting for the next plot twist and this is definitely binge-worthy watching. Grab your popcorn, snuggle up and get ready to watch history unfold!

The Pledge of Allegiance (updated for 2022)

I pledge Allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
(Unless the people in office hold a different opinion than I do – in that case, I’m going to name-call, threaten and possibly even commit an act of violence against my fellow countrymen)
And to the Republic for which it stands
(As I said, only as long as my elected representatives align with my point of view – or else we need to re-arrange the areas where me and my like-minded friends cast our votes, for fear of a true “democracy” where the will of the people is the law of the land)
One nation, under God
(Actually, “under God” wasn’t added until 1954 during the “Red Scare” and the original version of the pledge was written by a socialist minister. Also, our constitution has provisions for freedom of religion – in fact, it’s so important, it’s the first part of the first amendment)
Indivisible
(That’s a good one…I guess we forgot about that little skirmish – the Civil War – that literally tried to divide our country in two. I know, I know, the pledge was written after that, but I believe we have been plenty divided on many issues for generations)
With liberty and justice for all
(Well, maybe not “all”. Ok, Liberty and justice for most. Alright, some…liberty and justice for some. As long as you have enough money, power, influence, are the right color, come from the right background, vote for the right people, say the right things, follow the right rules and pray to the right god. The rest of you heathens? Not so much.

New NFT Fails Miserably.

Quality Unprecedented Elite Electronic Foundation is coming to terms with the harsh reality that their “Sheer Art Attack” NFT is an abject failure. Apparently the NFT’s advertising and packaging was confusing/misleading, causing purchasers to believe the offering would include Queen music and great pieces of art.

Disappointed customer feedback on the NFT, which includes the music of Queen performed in the style of duo Simon and Garfunkel as well as a collage of historic Garfunkel film and photos is likely best summed up below.

Per disappointed purchaser who chose to remain nameless: “I guess I was just confused. I mean I get the Queen album reference and the twist on the title… I guess I was just expecting more art and less Garfunkel.”

Q.U.E.E.F. management is scrambling to perform damage control presently.

Trippin’ Acid at the LARP Was a Bad Idea.

19 year-old Brandon Kyle still does not understand why he is in police custody. Brandon and several of his friends attended a live action role playing event in a local park yesterday. It is unclear at this time how they acquired it, but the boys ingested several doses of LSD each on their way to the event. Hundreds were in attendance dressed in full regalia to play the popular Demons and Wizards role playing game. Weapons are commonplace here, but non-lethal/harmful… Think pool-noodle wrapped in duct tape or foam swords and lances…

At some point Brandon got separated from his friends, broke the boundaries of the event, weaponized part of a broken park bench, and savagely attacked several non-participants. The teenage assailant believes he defeated 3 Orks and slayed a dragon when in reality the attack left two joggers and a dog-walker hospitalized and a Great Dane in need of veterinary care with superficial stab wounds.

Fortunately, nobody was killed in the attack when it occurred. Kyle’s arraignment is scheduled for Monday.

Thoroughbred Naming Conventions/Protocols

When you’re sitting back in your rose pink Cadillac making bets on Kentucky Derby day, ponder this:

13 horses have won the Triple Crown: Sir Barton (1919), Gallant Fox (1930), Omaha (1935), War Admiral (1937), Whirlaway (1941), Count Fleet (1943), Assault (1946), Citation (1948), Secretariat (1973), Seattle Slew (1977), Affirmed (1978), American Pharoah (2015), and Justify (2018).

In fact, you have to go back to 1958/1959 Kentucky Derby (1/3 of the Triple Crown) in order to find horses with somewhat “regular” names winning such a prestigious race.

1958 We saw a winner of the Kentucky Derby by the name of Tim*, a nice regular everyday name.

1959 We had a horse by the name of Tomy Lee win the race. Although it is a funny spelling of Tommy, it is still another great regular day-to-day all-American name.

With horse racing being such a Great American tradition, why then don’t we see more regular everyday names on winning thoroughbreds especially at the higher more prestigious levels?

While I have yet to really research the matter, I can’t help but wonder what kind of message it sends to young breeders? “Don’t name your horse Frank or Tanya because they will never succeed against the likes of Continuation Ministry, Adoption Problem, or Provincial Telecommunication.” or worse: “You’re not good enough. Quit.” And even the one-word names that get used are abstract and well… Kind of… Dumb? Pretentious? Douchebaggy?

I am sure some of you will throw this one in my face:

Tradition, heritiage, bla bla bla…”

Bullshit.

Look, I don’t even know where I am going with this and maybe someone reading this can shed some light on thoroughbred naming protocols for me. I’d appreciate it.

Meanwhile, I am going to dismount the pulpit and slither away…

Like a horse** with no name…

*Tim Tam: Unconfirmed at this time whether the horse was named for the delicious Australian cookie.
**Snake… That would be a snake with no name. A horse would trot or gallop… Not slither so much…

Smells Like a Bad Idea

Seattle, WA. A typical Saturday night, a typical live music venue. It’s a struggle these days in the era of the plague, but they say the show must go on. And as that show went on, a band found themselves pelted with rocks and garbage nearly from the opening note to the end of their abbreviated set.

Starkville, Mississippi’s Nevermind is a tribute band with a unique “mash-up” twist founded by brothers Kyle and Ezra Wagoner in 2016. In an area where people tend to prefer country and western music, the band knew they’d have to set themselves apart. The gimmick they arrived at was to perform the songs of Aberdeen, WA’s legendary Nirvana in the neo-technical/progressive power-metal style of Nevermore, another hero hailing from Seattle, not far from Aberdeen in the same region as Nirvana. When they got the Seattle show confirmed, it was a dream come true for the brothers and the band. “I can’t wait for them to see my re-imagining of the solo for Teen Spirit in the home of grunge,” read a post from guitarist Ritchie Van Zandt before it was pulled down following the show.

Plans of wooing the Emerald City were short-lived however, as fans in the music mecca were not impressed. In fact, the dozens in attendance took up arms against the band resulting in a shortened set, their drink tickets were voided by the bar, and as violence ensued, the band is grateful to have made it out alive.

Reaction from a bewildered and pissed off audience ranged from generally negative to outright hostile:

  • “It’s just a bit close to home, dontcha think? Oh, and what the actual fuck, right??!!”
  • “When the fuck did Kurt Cobain ever play an arpeggio sweep??!!”
  • “These guys like… know these bands are from around here, right?? Why in the hell would the come here to do this??”
  • “Just wait til we send some shit-ass band to their podunk little jerkwater town!”
  • “I really don’t recall there being so many in the band or Kurt having such a dynamic vocal range and I cannot say that the addition of either component did the songs ANY good whatsoever.”
  • “Who the fuck re-imagines Nirvana??!!”

One angry fan was ejected by house security for chanting shotgun references threateningly.

The promoter could not be reached for comment and the venue wishes to remain nameless, but both assure the public that Nevermind will not be performing at their venue again. At press time we have learned that the Wagoner brothers have disbanded Nevermind due to a steady stream of death threats.