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The Reluctant Spoon

Posted on by Murl Hartwood

Hartwood Stories, episode 1.  “The Reluctant Spoon”

The names in this story have been changed to protect the guilty…

It was many years ago and Hartwood was playing at a strip-club-turned-music venue called “Cameltoe” or “The Cameltoe” – it really doesn’t matter because it’s changed names at least once since then and may not even exist anymore.
We were playing a Friday night gig with a Led Zeppelin tribute band and it was our first (and last) time in Spanaway at this sketchy bar with the long, high-top runway tables still intact – complete with stripper poles in place. There were also swings in alcoves along the wall that we assumed used to display some of the more adventurous girls.
No, not much was done to the inside before they decided to start pouring drinks and bringing in bands. WA state, as most of you know, does not allow alcohol in rooms where people take their clothes off for money and it’s hard to know exactly what kind of talent this place was able to recruit from the area, but it obviously made more sense to try to sell beer and cocktails to some of the large military population in the area.
So, in we go to talk to the manager, promoter or anyone who could tell us where to load our gear in and what time we were expected onstage, etc.  This is also the time of the evening when we wait breathlessly for what riches lay in store for us. We are used to the “two drink tickets” standard (good for a domestic draft or a well drink, thank you very much), so we were a little surprised when we were informed we would be getting a pitcher of beer! Well, that sounds fine…a pitcher for each of the 6 of us – that should make the night more palatable…let’s start with one or two and we’ll get our next ones when the drummer arrives (It should be noted that the drummer was not there yet and would actually be calling soon to say his vehicle broke down on I-5 and he was stuck – but that’s another story).
“No”, the bartender – who looked like he hadn’t slept in 3 days – said…”You get one pitcher for THE BAND”!  Now, it took a second for it to sink in…surely, he couldn’t be serious. There were (as I mentioned) 6 band members, after all, and a pitcher is only 64 oz. You do the math.
“You’re kidding”, I said. “Nope”, he said.
After we quickly finished our complimentary beer (that didn’t take long), we settled in to wait our turn on the stage.
After our fiddle player, Cousin Dick, went to rescue Rufus from the road, we finally were all in one place and our time was coming up.
As far as I remember, we had a good set. What we all DO remember, though, was the enthusiastic fan that would have given even Sir Mix-A-Lot pause…she had junk in her trunk that would make the biggest fan of big booties stop and do a double-take! This was no ordinary Honky-Tonk Ba-donk-a-donk! She knew how to move it and she had her sights set on our pedal steel guitar player! Cleetus would alternate between sitting at the pedal steel and standing up with a regular guitar and when he was standing, she was backin’ it up in his direction! She’d back it up and he’d back away…back it up, back away and those moves gave birth to “The Trailer Hitch/ Reluctant Spoon”! The newest dance craze to hit Pierce County, the his and hers moves of the THRS will be remembered long after the last of the glitter is vacuumed up from the corners of the floor or the scent of Axe body spray fades into the walls.
To top it off, we were told that someone had to stay until the very end of the night for us to get paid and to add insult to an already insulting night, when the establishment caught some of our fans smoking – get this – marijuana – in the parking lot, they announced not only were we 86’ed from the place, but we would also not be getting paid!
After a few choice words and some thinly veiled threats of arson from our bass player, Henry Lee, the scene was soon back in control, but by that time, we knew this would be our one and only visit to The Cameltoe.
We didn’t come away with warm, fuzzy feelings about Spanaway that night, but we did come away with The Trailer Hitch and The Reluctant Spoon – and that’s not nothin’!


Where have all the Seahawks gone?!

Posted on by Murl Hartwood

Wiiiillllsssooooonn!
No doubt, you’ve seen the memes by now. Russell Wilson’s head is floating in the waves as Tom Hanks watches him slowly drift away – desperately calling out for him to not leave. Apologizing for whatever it was he had done that made him go. Also, by now, we’ve all had time to process it. Discuss it. Argue about it. Maybe even swear off of the NFL and burn your Seahawks’ gear.
Russ will no longer cook in Seattle.
With the NFL draft coming up and the Mariners playing games now, in what is likely the most-anticipated start to baseball in Seattle in a long time, the fever has died down and life can go on again.
The trade rumors started last year and after the year the Hawks – and Wilson, himself – had, it was no shock to hear them start up again. Sure, both sides did their best to put on a good face…but it’s like staying together for the sake of the children. The parents figure that as long as they don’t argue in front of the kids, that they can keep it together. The problem is that kids are smarter than that. They know. They can sense when mom and dad are really still in love or just faking it. Think of Pete Carroll and Russ Wilson as mom and dad (I don’t care which one is which – just play along!).
In the beginning, it was rainbows and unicorns.
With Wilson being picked up in a late-round pick by the Hawks – even after signing Matt Flynn from Green Bay to bring an experienced QB to the team after some pretty ugly seasons – I will admit to being the first one to say “WTF”? And, when Wilson started getting more playing time in pre-season, I figured it was just to see if he was going to be the backup. Then…when the season started and he was the starter? I thought they were crazy! He’s too short! He’s a rookie! Why the hell did you sign Flynn?!
Well, let’s fast-forward a few years, past the success…past the Super Bowl win…past the Super Bowl loss the following year…past the playoff appearances year after year and setting every QB record for Seattle. Let’s look past all he has meant to the city both on and off the field and his weekly appearances at Children’s Hospital. Let’s look at the nuts and bolts of the Hawks’ success.
After becoming “Russ” and forever earning a spot in our hearts and becoming a Seahawks legend, it was time to pay the piper. Wilson was paid a lot of money. I mean, a WHOLE LOT of money! His contract averaged out at over $30M per season and was going to be looking for more in 2 years. So, what happened? Why couldn’t the team re-create the success they had in his early days? He still had that arm and still throws one of the most accurate deep-balls that I can remember. What changed?
Let me ask this…
What did the team have in 2012-2015 that they didn’t have the last few years?
The “Legion of Boom”? Marshawn “The Beast” Lynch? Depth on the D-line like we’ve never seen? Yes to all 3. Russ was a master of escaping pressure and moving around in the pocket to find his open man. That was, when he wasn’t handing it off to a human wrecking ball who would make 260 lb. linebackers into roadkill as he ran right at them. Playing a close game? Don’t worry. The Hawks’ defense in those years wouldn’t let you score any points! That D was record-setting. Compare it to the Steel Curtain in Pittsburgh in the ‘70s or the ’85 Bears. It’s easy to look great when you only have to score about 17 points to win.
Yes, it was a time to remember – and you should never forget – because a team like that only comes along once in a while.
And they were all young.
Wilson on a rookie contract. Bobby Wagner on a rookie contract. Richard Sherman, Earl Thomas…rookies.
With the salary cap, NFL teams have a limit to how much they can spend. It takes a near-genius to figure it all out and how to defer salary, apply bonus, etc. but when you have a bunch of guys like that, you can spend more on…your center. Your receivers. Your linemen. You get to have depth.
After the Super Bowls, those contracts started coming due. Marshawn left the game (only to come back, leave again and come back…and leave) and Russ was expecting to get paid like a Super Bowl-winning, All-star QB! You can’t pay everyone, so…they paid Kam Chancellor first. He got injured and ended his career. They chose to pay Earl Thomas and let Sherman go. They have been searching for Marshawn’s replacement ever since. They gave KJ a good contract. They gave Russ a super-star contract. Earl Thomas got pissy and started complaining about wanting a raise after 2 years into his deal and started making it hard for the Hawks to ignore the fact he was becoming a distraction. He held out of summer camp, got injured, flipped everyone off and never played another down for the Hawks (but still got paid, mind you – that rant can be found in my archives!).
The Hawks still went to the playoffs, but they couldn’t duplicate the success. Russ still had to scramble – now, more than ever – and wasn’t getting faster as he got older. He got sacked an incredible number of times. They could never utilize any tight end, no matter how good they were. The O-Line was last on the payroll and it showed. The running game suffered. Wilson suffered, and…he is too short.
Yes, I said it again. What made him great was his ability to avoid the rush. His scrambling was an asset in the beginning, but as he (and all of us) gets older, it’s not an asset anymore. For him to be the “legendary” QB he wants to be – and to play until he’s in his 40’s – he needs to be able to stand in the pocket and pick apart the defense to keep them on their heels. He just can’t. He can’t see over the linemen if he’s not moving side-to-side and it’s a goddamn sin – A SIN, I TELL YOU! – that they were able to draft a human specimen like DK Metcalf and not have him catching 1300 yards and being targeted 10-15 times a game. I don’t think Russ can see him! It’s all timing with Russ if he’s not on the scramble drill and without the devastating run game to mix it up, it’s all on his shoulders – just like a $30 plus million QB should be and it…just…wasn’t…working. They fired the offensive coordinator. They fired another one. They just couldn’t figure out a game plan to make him successful again and Bobby was getting older…KJ was getting older…the running game constantly in flux…the secondary always struggling.
The thing is…when you win, you get lousy draft picks.
The Hawks had lousy draft picks for years.
It was time. Russ wanted to go and the Hawks weren’t interested in begging him to stay. He gets to go to a stadium that has mile-high air and a good running game and the Hawks got a windfall of players and draft picks. I just wish they could have kept Bobby until he retired, but I do understand the thinking there, too. Save the cap space. With the money they freed-up and the picks they have, it’s a chance to catch that lighting in a bottle again, before Pete retires.
With Paul Allen gone, the team has a lot of questions that will be answered in time. One thing that won’t be in question is the fact that all good things come to an end. Players move on, coaches move on and teams change. Fans are the only ones that don’t! Fans should be rooting for the team no matter who is coaching or playing! Do you think for one moment that any player loves you as much as you love them? You buy the jersey…you make yourself hoarse yelling and cheering and you love that player. When push comes to shove, though, it comes to money and there is no player (well, maybe one or two) who would volunteer to make less money just to be there with you. Don’t give your heart to a player – no matter how good they are. You can do everything else…appreciate, cheer, cry, and chant their name…just don’t get so attached that you dare quit on the team when that player leaves. It’s part of the deal. Your alliance should be with the team, no matter what.
I think of it almost like a pet. You know what you’re in for…you sign on the dotted line. You get some great years with them and get to enjoy them while they are here. You make great memories and you will never forget them. But, they move on and don’t get to stay forever (Well, maybe if you have a turtle, it will outlive you) and that’s the deal. We get these players for a short time – usually shorter than our pets – and just enjoy them and all the success they bring while they are here. Lord knows, there are too many players that don’t bring us joy and success so make damn sure you make the most of it!
Russ is gone. Bobby is gone. In fact, they were the last of the 2012 team that were left. The team is still here, though, and they deserve your support. We’ve seen bad football here in the past and we’ve seen bad ownership here in the past. What we’ve all been able to enjoy these last 10 years is a run of football success in Seattle we have never seen – and we should appreciate it for what it was and not hold it against them if they need to figure out a new way to make it happen again.
I know you’re feeling jilted right now and you aren’t interested in the NFL after having your heart ripped out, but…
You’ll be back.
Thanks for reading and…
GO HAWKS!!

Must see TV! The ratings are in and it’s a sweep!

Posted on by Murl Hartwood

Well, the reviews are in and it looks like this newest season of “The Rise and Fall of Democracy” is shaping up to be must-see TV! With all of the economic sanctions, political posturing and civilian casualties you could ask for, we finally see the Putin character we have suspected all along of being focused on re-building the former Soviet Union!
With a 20 year run, “The US Occupies Afghanistan” was our go-to show when nothing else was on and we just needed to remind ourselves that despite who was in the Oval Office or what teams were in the Superbowl, we somehow felt comforted that our troops were still over there – making the world a safer place. Of course, when it was fresh and new, we couldn’t help but to be glued to our televisions. Back then, it was Bush leading the way after 9/11 and we all watched with anticipation of how we would end the threat of terrorism, rid the world of extremist ideologies and spread democracy across a new and welcoming middle east! The characters we loved at the beginning – like all good binge-worthy shows now – eventually gave way to the new ones and the show seemed to change over time. Once the main character, Osama bin Laden was killed off, we thought that might have been the end of the run and we would be looking forward to a new season in North Korea or maybe somewhere in North Africa to see our old friend Moammar Khadafi again. I have to say I think it kind of jumped the shark after we said goodbye to bin Laden because without the arch-nemesis, it just didn’t seem to have the same urgency. Even when – early in the second season – we saw Saddam Hussein get caught, we always knew that Osama was the star of the show.
We can go all the way back to the late 1970’s and early 1980’s to see the star power of Osama. When the Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan and Osama was on better terms with the US, we saw a rare cooperation to protect democracy from the evil “Red Empire”! With help from us, we watched Osama and his band of merry men fight back against the Red Menace and make the world safe again for freedom-loving people! Or at least the threat of communism was once again pushed back into the frozen Siberian Tundra.
That was, until the relationship was strained and the show’s creators felt it would be better for ratings if Osama now had a grudge against the US and then introduced a new group to the show – the Taliban. With the Taliban coming into Afghanistan and getting rid of nearly every Western influence, like allowing women to go to school and have professions like being a doctor or professor, it was their relationship with Osama that led to a new alliance! Of course, the US moved on and found their way into new storylines and some of our favorite characters – Regan, Bush, Clinton, Bush the Younger all ignored what was happening until one of the most shocking plot twists of all time…a group of hijackers flying commercial jet planes into the World Trade Center in New York and other targets, including the Pentagon!
Now, it was Osama and the Taliban in the US’s cross-hairs and while we were undertaking the “War on Terror” season, why not add an episode to include Saddam Hussein’s capture and execution as well! This was the network’s bread and butter for many years until the ratings got so low, the network decided to pull the plug. After all, a new show called “Worldwide Pandemic” had made the leap to the top of the Nielsen Ratings and the producers knew they had to get creative to capture the public’s attention. With the wildly popular and polarizing character Donald Trump coming in for a short appearance after the 8 year run of Barack Obama, the Trump character was voted off the island and replaced with a previous supporting role-player – Joe Biden.
With Joe Biden, the possibilities were all there – finishing “Worldwide Pandemic”, bringing an end to “The US Occupies Afghanistan” and being the star of his own new series…”Russia – A New Beginning”, co-starring Vladimir Putin, who made appearances alongside Trump and occasionally was written into the storyline with Obama. But, ever since the “Big Breakup” of the Soviet Union during the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, the decades-long run of “The Cold War” had been over and no one really gave Russia much thought. After all, they were part of the democracy craze sweeping the world and Western influence and business dollars had been rapidly gaining ground in the “former” socialist country.
That all changed recently, though, a few weeks ago when the network made the surprise debut of “The Rise and Fall of Democracy” and it’s ratings couldn’t be higher! Everyone’s watching it and glued to their TV sets to see what happens next! Will Russia use chemical weapons? Will Putin choose a tactical nuclear weapon? Will a rocket accidentally land in Poland and force a NATO response? The world is on the edge of their seats waiting for the next plot twist and this is definitely binge-worthy watching. Grab your popcorn, snuggle up and get ready to watch history unfold!